ATLANTA - Local blogger Chet Olivers woke up still a virgin this morning, after spending yet another night in his studio apartment alone. After he left high school, Olivers thought that women would be far more willing to have sex with him considering his intellect, financial independence, and fairly decent sense of humor. As usual, he was wrong. So far his two years of independence and carefully maintained sobriety have resulted in zero women hopping on his disco stick.
"I guess Lyra really is the only girl for me," said Olivers, snuggling his well-worn plushie in frustration.
|The condom Olvers's had since Junior year of High School|
"I did manage to get this girl in my Philosophy course to come over to study, but after about an hour of reading she said she had to go see her brother in the hospital. You see? It never ends with these chicks. All of them just want something! A bunch of bitches if you ask me," complained a disgruntled Olivers, still uncomfortable clinching his plushie.
At press time, it hadn't occurred to Olivers to whore himself out on craigslist. Beggers can't be choosers, Chet.
Horse News doesn't condone killing strangers on the internet, but we will advertise where to do it