Local Brony still a virgin by


ATLANTA - Local blogger Chet Olivers woke up still a virgin this morning, after spending yet another night in his studio apartment alone. After he left high school, Olivers thought that women would be far more willing to have sex with him considering his intellect, financial independence, and fairly decent sense of humor. As usual, he was wrong. So far his two years of independence and carefully maintained sobriety have resulted in zero women hopping on his disco stick.

"I guess Lyra really is the only girl for me," said Olivers, snuggling his well-worn plushie in frustration.


The condom Olvers's had since Junior year of High School
Olivers, who has managed to kiss several women including his mother, says he has plenty to offer. However it seems that any women he asks to "grab take out and cuddle" have done little to persuade the opposite sex to copulate with him. Further interviews reveal his further attempts to sweeten the deal, offering to let each girl even hold one of his dozens of pony figurines placed in his living room.

"I did manage to get this girl in my Philosophy course to come over to study, but after about an hour of reading she said she had to go see her brother in the hospital. You see? It never ends with these chicks. All of them just want something! A bunch of bitches if you ask me," complained a disgruntled Olivers, still uncomfortable clinching his plushie.

At press time, it hadn't occurred to Olivers to whore himself out on craigslist. Beggers can't be choosers, Chet.


Horse News doesn't condone killing strangers on the internet, but we will advertise where to do it

Comments (13)

  1. So he shall rest in peace.
    Forever... a virgin.

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  2. "well-worn plushie"
    I see what you did there

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  3. Not sure which is more annoying, the lack of quality posts (between the shilling and self-impressed 'I sperged out at a con here's 30 pictures of me fagging it up') or the flood of shit posts we get from mlpcritic.

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    1. >quality posts
      >on Horse News

      You're a pretty funny guy, Anon.

      This fandom is literally never happy with anything. This has got to be a record broken base, because someone is always whining about something. Not even Trekkies whine like we do, and they've got WAY more to whine about.

      If you're looking for unbiased, unslanted, quality MLP news, there is no such thing. HN is just a mouthpiece for /mlp/, and they hate everything that doesn't have enough horse pussy. EqD is just as biased in a different way; they completely avoid mentioning drama in their effort to be family friendly. And even derpiboo.ru is biased, although they generally don't care if you don't piss on a staffer's shoes.

      Go mess with the pony drama generator, Anon. It's hours of fun.

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    2. >whines that the fandom filled with autistic neckbears is complaining too much for his liking
      >thisfaggot.jpg

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    3. >HN is just a mouthpiece for /mlp/
      Dropped

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    4. >implying /mlp/ doesn't hate capper faggot and everything HN stands for especially the desperate grabs for horse fame

      kek

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    5. >implying, anon, or >imploding?

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    6. 03:58 and 22:18 are retards, obviously. Go back and reread 03:35 and tell us all where what you're saying is relevant. To 03:58, there's a difference between whining and pointing out the obvious truth. To 22:18, it says right in the comment that /mlp/ hates everything that doesn't have enough horse pussy. Do you see enough horse pussy on HN? That doesn't make HN any less of a mouthpiece for those faggots.

      It's incredible how a group of fat, autistic neckbeards point fingers like internet tough guys at other fat, autistic neckbeards like one side or the other is somehow wrong when the sad truth is you're all basement dwelling, socially inept kids hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen. You act like assholes to each other on here when you'd be too fucking afraid to even speak in real life.

      Call a nerd a nerd doesn't mean you aren't one. At least I acknowledge I'm a part of the fandom, like it or not. At least I actually like the show.

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  4. Replies
    1. at least no one can say you lack perspective

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  5. P U R P L E T R A N N Y !

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    H

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    O

    N



    V

    I

    C

    O

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    N

    !

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    1. phew I'm not the only one thinking this

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