Though he tried to deny it earlier, we here at Horse News have decided, for the sake of the journalistic integrity we're known for, to tell you the entire report on Capper's disappearance. The Horse News Corporate Retrieval Team has dealt with many a missing co-worker, but it has never taken this long and been this mysterious. Capper General, after being missing for six days, was finally found today by our elite squad of
In a little shit hole known as Canada, Capper apparently further drug himself in to the party pit for a week long celebration of "just not being dead I guess" and also sought out to destroy those "northern commie bastards." He brought with him the following items in his pursuit of truth, justice, and getting absolutely plastered.
- two loaded 2mm pinfire pistols
- a sombrero
- an American flag soaked in the blood of liberals (as is tradition)
- two bags of weed
- seventy-five pellets of mescaline
- five sheets of high-powered blotter acid
- a saltshaker half-full of cocaine
- a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers
- a quart of tequila
- a quart of rum
- a case of beer
- a pint of raw ether
- and two dozen amyls
Reports say that when Capper made it on to Canadian soil, he immediately shotgunned one of the beers, and fired both single shot pistols in the air, declaring war on the people of Canada and all their "pussy good-natured bullshit." Local Canadian police did nothing, because they're Canadian and didn't feel like bothering him we guess.
Slightly tipsy from his earlier stunt, Capper went on to a tavern several miles away after crashing his Pink 1998 Chrysler 300 with chrome spinners in to a tree. After local residents apologized for the crash, Capper stumbled in to the tavern with his booze and drugs, wearing nothing but the blood soaked flag, sombrero, and converse shoes one of the locals gave him as an apology.
Good to have you back, Capper. Now get back to work
Capper then did what he had planned: taking and drinking literally every drug he had in one sitting. After an hour, Capper ripped off his flag poncho, running down the streets naked and punching old women and teenagers. Reports say he kept screaming "COMBO BREAKER BITCH" "SUCK IT PUTIN" with each hit, air humping in his victims' faces with his tongue and...other body parts wagging vigorously.
This was his state for another 48 hours until he made it to a Toronto suburb, passed out, and was promptly given an apology from the city for how hard their concrete is.
Luckily, Capper left his trail a d scent everywhere on his journey, so after several days our team recovered him from a Toronto hookah lounge, where he was being used as a very tasteful nude decorative piece.
When asked to make a statement to let the public aware of his return , he posted this, still in a drugged out state.