How to: Write for Horse News by

sauce
So you want to write for Horse News? Great, but there's just one problem though: you can't write for shit. Have no fear future employee, because we've decided to release our step-by-step training program so you can write about a little girls' cartoon, too. So sit down, shut up, and start learning.



STEP 1: SIGN UP YOU IDIOT

Considering we're always bored and don't want to do much work, we're more than willing to take a chance on fresh young faces. Before you get to cum to the party though, make sure to get an account with blogger. Pick a creative name, one that fits you and your personality. Some examples would be:

Captain Taint Tingler
Harping Dingbat
SuperCodPlayer1995
Lollerskates
Capping Admiral
Pinkifag
LPScritiquer
Fapman, the eternal annoying and unfunny cunt

Once you have your name, you're ready to get started! There's two ways of joining the crew. You can either Submit an original article and try to impress, disgust, or slay us with your writing skills or you can contact the staff, follow us on twitter, and become one of our stalkers. While the later option may get you laid, we suggest taking the former route. 


Step 2: Becoming an alcoholic

Let's face it, taking this job means you're going to be leading a pretty pathetic existence. Late nights with people you'll rarely, if ever, get to see as your only companionship. Sure, you may have a love life or even a friend in the real world, but at the end of the day this place will be your home as you slowly descend in to madness. It's dirty, it's wrong, and you'll hate yourself every morning when you wake up.

Naturally, we've all become alcoholics, and you will too! Though there's some varying types to be considered. Some us are "productive" drinkers (Myself and Liki Weaks), some are private drinkers (Rarifag), others are full on drunks (Capper and PonyToast), and some are so constantly obliterated we have no clue where they are (Best Horse and Grumpy Old Fart). You too will pick your own path and will find yourself losing your pants/dignity more and more.

Likewise, each of us have our own favorite types of drinks. Rum, Vodka, Regular Cocktails, Fruity Cocktails, Beer, Wine, Rubbing Alcohol, Tequila, wonderful different kinds of drinks that bring happiness and landlocked motion sickness to all. Most of these are bought depending on your own personal income, which brings us to...


Step 3: Being a slave for all the right reasons

Simply put, be completely fine with not earning anything. Not a cent. Horse News has zero advertisers, which means none of us are payed for staying up until 2 am waiting to report on some shitty new porn game. However, lacking corporate backers is actually a good thing. This way, we don't become a bunch of shills like certain other giant pony news sites or become so far up our own ass as to allow ourselves to implode in a beautiful blaze of failure.

Now once you've prepared yourself thoroughly and are added to the group, next comes...

NSFW sauce
Step 4: Sacrificing your body to the elders

Welcome to initiation, fresh meat. While we're legally not allowed to do the old style torturing used during the old days thanks to a lawsuit by one "ScootsMcPoots," we are able to use our new members for sexual favors and remedial tasks, especially for members of the administration. Getting us coffee, delivering messages, hand jobs, really a diverse amount of tasks will be given to you as part of the Horse News Freshman class. Don't worry though, this doesn't last for more than a month for each person and is relatively harmless.

The good news is, once you've completed your hazing training, you can then make other new kids do stupid stuff for you! Everyone wins! So once your hazing is done and you wipe the semen off your head, shoulders, knees, and toes, you get to move on to actually working, which brings us to Step 5.


Step 5: Picking what to write

As a site that mixes its content with both true fandom news, actual stories about horses, blatant parodies, and random items of pony induced madness, this place is a grab bag of creativity at times. Coming in, you may find this overwhelming. So there's a few options here to let the words flow.

If you're looking to do a true story, you better start monitoring every fandom site on the internet to get the story first. Another wonderful great side effect of Step 3 is being able to post the things other sites won't, including the more perverted nature of the community. Imported sex dolls, ponyphile computers hacks, and toys boiled in cum are common place, so you can report almost anything so long as it isn't illegal.

However if satire is more your speed, you're in luck. Do you know how many wonderfully idiotic things there are in this fandom to pick apart and laugh at? Not just that, but you can also take the smallest most insignificant piece of information and twist it in to a huge story so long as you sell it well. Remember the three things that sell: Sex, Violence, and Drama. Hit any one of those three and you're golden.

Step 6: Make sure to add the funny line maymay meme

If you want to be funny, you better step up your meme game. Talent, correct grammar, and interesting writing is nothing compared to the power of the epic line meme. Simply write any random phrase like you're about to say it, add a line through it, and shove some things up your butt it becomes instantly hilarious!

Alternatively, you can add other memes, too. H-how about you add th-these cool nervous st-stuttering memes. Or senpai can add kawaii anime words to his articles. Either way, it gets sick views! Topkek!


Step 7: Don't do anything right, ever

On blogger, there's a large array of ways to organize your articles, add content, run the site, and generally keep things in order. Make sure to do none of those things, even those that have nothing to do with blogger and just with writing in general. That way, things get more interesting and the admins will love you forever.

Did you notice you spelled a word wrong? Who cares, just leave it. Didn't label your article at all? So what! Used the wrong form of 'it's' twelve times in a row? Fuck everyone else! Literally anything you can do to cut corners is needed to save time, besides it's the chief editor's job to fix that, and god knows that asshole never does his job.


Step 8: Follow the Golden Rules of Horse News

After thirteen months of trial and error, we've developed a few rules of writing that are now the religion we learn from and commit mass genocide by. All writers must accept these, because if they don't they may end up getting banned. Seven separate times. The Golden Rules of Horse News are:

Always post about HN on /mlp/ - You need to be as annoying as possible or everyone will forget about you. That's why CNN is shit in the ratings and Fox News isn't.

Try to do something to get us sued - Legal action is always fun. Not to mention it gets you out of work for a while. So make sure to do something that could get us in to some minor legal trouble with other individuals, preferably the mentally deficient so their stories don't hold up in court. We skip work AND don't have to pay a dime. It's a win win situation! However, you should never do anything really illegal, like child porn. Trust us, it's not the right way to go and will have you end up under some big guy named Tyron at the county jail.

Always accuse people of crimes and things they never did - If there's one thing TMZ has taught us, it's that being a soulless, lying piece of shit keeps the lights on. Make sure to pick a person everyone already hates and accuse them of spitting on the homeless or plotting to assassinate a congressman. Hopefully no one will ever hear from them again.


Step 9: Add pretty pictures

I'll just go ahead and say it: reading is boring as shit. So when you write articles, you need to spice things up. So what do you do? Add a ton of fun images, that's what! Whatever suits the article, throw that in there! When you think about it, these articles are like a stew.

You see it takes a lot to make a stew. Add a pinch of pony, and laughter too. Maybe a scoop of truth to add the spice, a dash of pics to make it nice. Then you've got Horse News articles!

In the end, add whatever makes sense or what makes you laugh. Or what makes you horny. Either way, just give some space between every paragraph or so, really over saturate the article with visuals. Seriously, screw reading.




Step 10: Don't tell anyone what you're doing

You know what's fun? Surprises. So it stands to reason that when you finish your wonderful article that you don't tell anyone about it. In fact, don't even tell anyone on staff you were even making an article, that way you can keep it completely secret!

Heck, have someone sneak you on to the staff that way you can surprise everyone with every article you write. No one will know who you are, you will become a phantom of justice. You might even get a promotion once you're found out, maybe even becoming part of the Ponylluminati.


I'd collect those dragon balls
Step 11: Sit back, relax, and play with yourself

You've done it! You've actually finished a very bad article for a meaningless pony satire site. So now what do you do? Well besides drinking heavy amounts of alcohol from Step 2, you may choose to find your most comfy chair, relax, and masturbate within an inch of your life.

Masturbation is the greatest stress relief next to Marijuana, and since we are not based in the state of Colorado, we are not allowed to use it in the office. The next best thing? Stroking the Salami. After all, it's not only natural, but it's also endorsed by actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey. Alright, Alright, Alright.



Horse News is mind >rape central


You're done!

Congrats! Now you're ready to join the crew. If you have anymore ideas for a Horse News How To, let us know. We'll use our collective drunk wisdom to answer all of life's mysteries, at least until we pass out.

Comments (19)

  1. I'd consider writing an article for you guys, but I don't handle expectations well. Also I am inconsistent in terms of writing quality. Also I don't follow the fandom or watch the show. Also I'm not funny.

    Where should I email my first article?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Preferably the "Submit an Article" button above, but thats difficult for even the most senior staff members.

      Delete
    2. I'm curious. Just how are ED shills? And are they just obsessive fans that like the show so much they refuse to see any of it as bad, or do they actively get perks and promotions to push shit as brilliant?

      I've not seen it.

      The fact they got some vector art of ED early is not an example because they never said OMG IT'S BRILLIANT

      (Did they? Refresh my memory)

      As for the preview for the S3 finale... hmmm. Was that shilling? Does proof that was just calling it really good exist, or is it Seth's opinion that it was that good?

      Delete
    3. Well, you see, anon, Equestria Daily is guilty of one major cardinal sin. Unlike ourselves, they and their regular readers like to enjoy ponies rather than constantly complain about them. I know, right? This means that whenever something depressing looms on the horizon, or the fandom descends into infighting and chaos, these fucking faggots don't even jump into the mudpile with the rest of us, and instead try to stay neutral like a bunch of pussies.

      They're also optimistic about the show's future, try to quell arguments when people get up in arms, and don't even publically insult people they don't like, meaning show and comic staff and fandom "celebrities" can get away with all the horrible things they're rumoured to do. Katie Cook characterised Celestia in an unflattering way once, and Equestria Daily refused, REFUSED, to call for a mass boycott of the comics and anthrax attack on IDW's corporate headquarters. What does that say to you? Because to me, it says that Jewthisto is in bed with Hasbro and taking their shekels.

      WAKE UP, SHEEPLE

      Delete
  2. >anthro

    come on now

    ReplyDelete
  3. No need to worry about writing ability when it comes to Horse News, just look at Chelis! Functionally illiterate, and he's still a contributing editor.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I want to write an article for you guys, but I don't know what to write about. Like, should I just do an old article, or find some shitpost on /mlp/?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, I certainly have no talent and am enough of a whore to perform degrading sexual acts on all of you for no money, but I also suffer from crippling autism and feel constantly starved of attention and in need of validation. Is there any way I can write for Horse News while also using it as a platform to promote my terrible fanfiction? Additionally, as a Horse News writer, would I still be entitled to act like a faggot outside of here and /mlp/, or is there an exclusivity clause in the contract?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you where the official "Hi, I'm from Horse News" button you can be as autistic as you like

      Delete
    2. Well that's good to know.

      Delete
  6. You guys forgot one crucial step:

    Having a pathetic obsession for tumblr users and sjws who have nothing to do with you in the first place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tumblr plz go

      Delete
    2. How's the salt, tumblr?

      Delete
    3. Isn't that the same thing for you, tumblr?
      Besides if they obsess over you then you probably obsess over Horsefuckers/bronies anyway.

      Delete
    4. Looks like anon # 1 touched a nerve with horse news losers lol.
      Cry a fucking river idiots.

      Delete
    5. Shut your filthy fucking mouth your dirty CIS-gender asshole. Why don't you go suck some patriarchy loving dick, choke, and die!

      Delete
  7. 1 word, analingus. Oh and lets throw in cock worship, foot worship, whoreship, ship, fallout equestria, little pip, blackjack, gambling, drinking, fapping, and dabbing. Those will be good words.

    ReplyDelete