Cult of Mitch remains glued to televisions in hopes of Season 5 premier by


"Any minute now brothers!" promises local cult-leader Mitch Jones, holding tight to the hands of his fellow cultists Mitch Steward and Mitch Campbell. "Glorious leader assured us that the premier would be today, and if we are true to the path, he will show us favor". The cult has been glued to their television sets, since late last night when M.A. Larson tweeted that the season premier was set to begin at some time today.

Believing everything that "Glorious leader" Mitch Larson tweets at face-value, the cult has been reading passages from their holy book "Pennyroyal Academy" in preparation for their ascendance into the next season.

When asked why they do these things, the members, each took turns explaining "all the wonders" that the glorious leader has bestowed upon them.

"Glorious leader is the only true path to eternal life," said Mitch Johnson, checking Larson's twitter for the third time in the last 2 minutes, in search of new commandments from their messy-haired messiah. "Only he can grant the powers of alicorns".

"Glorious leader would never let us down" agrees Mitch Fredericks. "For it is he who grants wings to those who are worthy of being lifted up."


Left to right: Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,
  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch,  Mitch, and  Mitch.

In a sign of devotion, the members have each died their hair darker, and changed their names to Mitch. They have each purchased one copy of Pennyroyal Academy every time that Larson has used the phrase "buy my book" (nearly 8000 times at last estimate). They spend their days studying the many things that Larson has made canon and preparing for the "next coming", which the tweet indicates to be sometime within the next 10 hours or so.

The cult has also prepared a sacrament comprised of household bleach and their own tears, in the event that the premier does not actually occur today (as it will be a sign that the brotherhood is unworthy of the Editor's blessings).

At press time, local law enforcement have begun a raid on the cult compound, in an attempt to prevent "another Jonestown". M.A. Larson himself was too busy posting the phrase "buy my book" on every webpage to comment.

Comments (9)

  1. Booooooooriiiiiiing.

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  2. who the fuck is jim and why should anyone give a rats ass about him? with a name like bigjim, he sounds like a huge faggot manchild.

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    1. >not knowing Jim "The One Man Holocaust" Miller

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    2. Big Jim did the voice of Sombra.

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  3. I thought Mitch's cult was all about crossdressing horses or something by the name of Kissy Sissy General

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    1. No its about guys dressed in cheeta costumes and drunk-calling Peter New.

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  4. >inb4 show is canned

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