Settling the "Best Horse" debate once and for all - the Top 10 by


For years, the debate has raged and has fueled the very existence of our fandom. The question; "Who IS the best cartoon horse?" Is it Rainbow Dash, because she' "so awesome"? Is it Twilight Sparkle, because she's omnipotent, or is it Luna, because you're an edgy emo kid who nobody understands?
Well, after months of careful calculations, Horse-News is proud to say, we've finally arranged the top cartoon horses. With 5 Main Characters, 3 Princesses, 3 CMC's, dozens of fan-favorite ponies, and Applejack, Horse-News opted to create a Top-9, because who cares about #10 anyway?


#9 - Swift Wind


Rounding out the bottom of the list is SWIFT WIND, the legendary mount of She-Ra from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Universe. While quite brave and magical, Swift Wind is also a shitty Alicorn OC with a bad color scheme, only making it into the top-9 by being ridden by that blonde-haired no-hooves goddess She-Ra.

#8 Braindamaged Horse




Taking the next spot is the mentally retarded, brain-damaged Family Guy horse who likes human asses, has a thing for watersports, and is clearly immune to most inflicted harm. It's invulnerability and clumsiness ranked it higher by being Applejack and Derpy combined.

#7 Ponyta



Coming up next is Ponyta, as seen in your childhood in the original Pokemon Anime series. Ponyta is pretty sweet, as it is an Earth pony that can use fire magic, and after beating the living shit out of enough other ponies, it can become a unicorn, and use even more powerful fire magic. Ponyta is so thugnificent, Twilight wished she was one of them and even turned into one briefly. Ponyta also can choose who it burns...so you know when she wants you to ride her.

#6 Epona



Speaking of Nintendo games that somehow became cartoons later, Epona takes the next spot, as the trusty mount of Zelda Link, who has been helping speed things along for decades now. Everyone has a special place in their heart for Epona, and if you don't you're a filthy liar.

#5 Spirit




Up next is Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron who has a way with people, gave furries something to dream about years before Friendship is Magic ever aired, and was accompanied by a Bryan Adams soundtrack that puts Danny Ingram to shame. Just look at that bedroom eyed mustang.

#4 The Last Unicorn


Beating Spirit is Lady Amalthea, "The Last Unicorn", voiced by Mia Farrow in 1982. Unlike many other unicorns, The Last Unicorn was fuckin hard-core, with bulls made of fire, and love interests voiced by Jeff Fuckin Bridges.

Yeah, The Big Lebowski played Prince Lir, a human who fell in love and wanted sexy times with the Unicorn Princess, thus making him the OG of horsefuckery.

#3 Mayocorn




The Robot Chicken Unicorn comes in at Number 3, due to his majestic white coat, his ability to talk, his affinity for naked human nerds, and his magical ability to shoot unicorn mayonnaise from his unicorn horn, beating out Rarity in the "white unicorn" category in every way. Where other horses skirt around the human-love relationship, he dives straight in.

#2 Samehorse



Tying for 2nd place...


..are all these...


...fucking...


...horses, most of whom are made by Disney, and all of them share the same sarcastic lovable attitude. Despite being different characters, they have a common personality that many have based other cartoon horses upon in other movies, almost typecasting the entire animated equine race.

Honorable mentions go to all the horses in this picture who have not been listed:


But the Number one best-horse in cartoons goes to....

#1 Bojack Horseman



Bojack Horseman, an alcoholic former celebrity and star of the Netflix show by the same name. BoJack. He cusses. He drinks. He bangs human chicks. He drinks vodka-painkiller smoothies for breakfast. He has a sweet house in Hollywood, and he's a failure at life. He's everything we want in a character, and best of all he's a horse. 


So there you have it, the 9 best cartoon horses. Indisputable, so SUCK IT.

Comments (15)

  1. >tfw no Wildfire, King of the Horses

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We said nobody cares about #10

      Delete
  2. http://bravestwarriors.wikia.com/wiki/Paralyzed_Horse

    I mean, come on.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This list is shit. No QuickDraw McGraw.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What about (shitting-my-pants scary when I was young) cybernetic talking horse Thirty/Thirty from Bravestarr?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This. Totally and utterly this. I want Thirty/Thirty to fuck my ass while he repeatedly fires Sarah-Jane at Tex-Hex's coyote gang bound to various large objects and ball-gagged.

      Delete
  5. No Paralyzed Horse? This is fucking bullshit. Horse News has gone downhill.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maximus was the best thing about Tangled. Stole every scene he was in.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AMALTHEA WAS HER SLAVE NAME

    ReplyDelete
  8. Where the fuck is Mr. Horse from The Ren & Stimpy Show?

    ReplyDelete
  9. "...or is it Luna, because you're an edgy emo kid who nobody understands?"

    I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. WHERE THE FUCK IS MR. ED?!

    ReplyDelete