Rainbow Rocks Reimagined: Soundtrack Edition by

Rainbow Rocks is probably going to be a disappointment. And no matter how many cans of beer the HN staff drinks, we are still unable to make a wizard staff tall enough to change this fact.

But what we can do, though, is offer Hasbro some "constructive criticism" on how we think the movie could be better.



We'll start with the recently released soundtrack. We've already done a review, so I'll save you all the time and effort of reading another one of those and just get right to the point of the article: What the songs are and what they should have been.

1. Rainbow Rocks

A generic and repetitive, yet loud and big drum beat with a "guitar riff" and frankly uninspiring lyrics. Somewhat catchy, but it's just not there. If Hasbro wants big drums and a cool guitar riff, why not go with something from the greatest band of all time: When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin.

No offense to Daniel Ingram, but John Bonham and Jimmy Page are just a wee bit better in the drums and guitar categories. I'm fairly sure the lyrics of the song could somehow fit the movie in a deep, metaphorical kind of way. And don't act like you wouldn't want to see Andrea Libman hit those Robert Plant high notes in Fluttershy's voice (and probably destroy her vocal chords again, R.I.P.).
DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD WHEN YOU'RE TRYIN' TO FIND YOUR WAY HOME, YOU DON'T KNOW, WHICH WAY TO GO?...
2. Better than Ever

Ignore the actual music for a second, which is a more acoustic piece than the first, and just look at the title. The phrase "better than ever" implies that whatever the hell they're singing about in the song is better than anything else that has previously existed in the same category. And if it is indeed better than everything else, that must mean it is...
THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST...

Which is why "Better than Ever" should have instead been "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters.

3. Under our Spell

A pop-music beat? Blatant sexual innuendo? Harmonizing vocals? Anyone who was alive during the late '90s and early '00s should already know what this is going to be:

"I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys. Don't pretend you don't like (and know all the lyrics to) this song. And as much as we love the suggestive moaning sounds of Adagio Dazzle and Co., we think Hasbro should still make this change to the soundtrack because...
We want it that way
4. Tricks up my Sleeve

The soundtrack's attempt at making a diss track. A snare drum and bass-laden track with the occasional dubstep sample thrown in and weak lyrics. Come on, if you're going to do a diss track, at least do it right.

Which is why we think this song should be replaced by "Fuck KD" by Lil B. Never before has anyone lay down such burning words towards another man. "Fuck KD" is the epitome of the diss track, with Lil B reaching a level of musical achievement never before seen and never to be surpassed in the history of music in general. Just get Adagio Dazzle's VA to dub "Twilight Sparkle" over where Lil B says "Kevin Durant" and you're good to go.
"Based God fucked my bitch!"
5. "Shake your Tail"

Blatantly a song about shaking dat ass at a party. Not even kidding, listen to the lyrics. It's all part of Hasbro's master plan to teach young girls everywhere how to twerk.
Subliminal messages everywhere
Well, if we're gonna have a song about shaking your ass at a party...

"Shake That" by Eminem ft. Nate Dogg. Wait a sec, that Rarity GIF lines up perfectly with the beat...

6. Welcome to the Show

Sounds like the type of song you'd hear before or during a big fight scene in an action movie. But instead of leading into a kick-ass kung-fu fight, it just leads into some lame battle of the bands. And then all of the sudden it gets upbeat and pop-y.

But if you want to have something that sounds like it belongs in an action movie, at least go all in on it and not change your mind halfway through. Which is why we recommend replacing the song with "Burly Brawl" by Juno Reactor from the Matrix: Reloaded soundtrack. And just replacing the battle of the bands with that fight scene too. Come on, don't tell me the ending from the first Equestria Girls wouldn't have been so much better if it was the Mane 6 kung-fu fighting a bunch of high school zombies.

7. Awesome as I Want to Be"

The soundtrack's attempt at making a rock song as well as Rainbow Dash's attempt at showing she's a bigger cunt than the movie's leading villain. Oh, and it uses the line "20% cooler."

If you're going to make a blatant ego-stroker about how great you are with questionable-quality music, why not go to the genre that specializes in this type of music: Rap. And while there are so many rap songs about the rapper being great to choose from (looking at you, Kanye), why not give a shout-out to one of the best up-and-coming rappers in the game?

Which is why this song should be replaced by "Dolce and Gabbana" by RiFF RAFF. Oddly enough, I could definitely imagine this being sung in Rainbow Dash's voice.

Honorable Mention: Anything by Supa Hot Fire. Not selected because he's not a rapper.
"I never take showers
Without a loofah.
Hot Fire
Don't forget the SUPAAA!!!"
8. Let's have a Battle (of the Bands)

The siren song from that one preview clip. Now, it would be easy to just link you some ABBA song here and just move on, but we at Horse News make our name by digging deeper.

And by digging deeper, we mean basic word association. For example, I say "Battle," you say...
"Toads?"
"Pokemon." Which is why we're switching this song to the Pokemon Gym Battle Theme (from the TV show). It effectively gets the point across that there will be some kind of battle and is significantly more badass (albeit less suggestive and sexy) than the current song.
"I wanna be, the very BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST...
9. Shine Like Rainbows

A song with a simile in the title about friendship. Really nothing that you haven't heard before. Blatantly trying to be Disney-esque. We think this soundtrack needs some variety, though. Let's throw the entire concept of this song out the window and put something new, unique, and saucy into this soundtrack.

But can we change the entire song without changing the core idea of friendship? You bet we can! Just replace it with the classic rap anthem "My Nigga" by YG. It puts a more "gangsta" twist on the idea of friendship with lyrics that will really appeal to today's urban youth. It also keeps the idea of a repetitive chorus, except instead of repeating "Shine Like Rainbows" (or "THE BEST"), it repeats "My nigga." An absolutely brilliant bit of songwriting with lyrical prowess not seen since the days of Biggie Smalls, YG's hood anthem is an absolute must-have on this soundtrack.
"Nigga:" Rhyming with "nigga" since 1999
10. Music to my Ears

The soundtrack's bonus track (and that dubstep song you heard in the first Vinyl Scratch preview). Which means it probably isn't actually in the movie. So basically we can just make this whatever the fuck we want to.

With that being said, the new bonus track should be "All Star" by Smash Mouth. Because ogres have ears, and Shrek is an ogre. And Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

Comments (4)

  1. that rarity gif why would you do that to me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too much Jiggaboo shit.

    If this happened I would want to see it even less than not at all.

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  3. Top cunt is best cunt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. OR... just hire Stewart Copeland to do the music. Just imagine...
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atwwL5YORbE

    ReplyDelete