|I think we all know who the real star of the movie was.|
(Get a snack and some beer, because this is going to be one long ass read.)
So we start the movie off with the three goons trying to feed off negative energy in a diner. Even if you somehow avoided every single spoiler and announcement about Rainbow Rocks it would only take a few seconds to realize that they're the baddies of the film. Let me assure you that nothing in this film is subtle. Oh, and speaking of spoilers, you can actually watch the first 20 minutes or so of the movie on youtube in high def, Hasbro approved. Nearly all the teasers were from the beginning of the movie, including the part where the Sirens start manipulating everybody to fight each other.
|All the villain songs in the movie were pretty enjoyable.|
|Number 1 cunt gets a lot of lines and even her own song in this movie. Can you guess which one I'm talking about?|
This is really important to note because songs are the majority of the movie, and they didn't make me want to kill myself from high school musical syndrome like the last movie. So that's a nice improvement.
|But then there's THIS fucking scene.|
How is the mirror problem solved exactly? Well, when the human mane 6 realize that shit is fucked Sunset Shimmer remembers that she still has her old letter book Princess Celestia gave to her. They try to see if it works across different worlds and we cut too... an awkwardly long pause on the princess castle playset in ponyville. Yay, a pony scene in an Equestria Girls movie! This is going to be awesome, right? WRONG, it's actually the worst scene in the entire movie. You really thought this review was going to only mention the positives? Fuck you, this isn't Equestria Daily.
|"And then everyone brushed Twilight's hair and told her what a pretty princess she is! I can't wait to be a princess when I grow up!"|
|Never ask this bitch to help you move, she'll only watch TV and eat all your pizza.|
ANYWAYS, Twilight somehow knows to skip over to the last entry instead of reading the book beginning to end and reads Shimmer's cry for help. She also almost instantly identifies who and what the villains are despite the villains being possibly a thousand years old. We get a neat storybook sequence including Starswirl the Bearded's pimp ass beard that shows the Sirens were banished to an unknown world where magic doesn't exist.
|Folks, I think we just found the origin point of fluffy ponies.|
But hey, at least the villains can now be established as a legitimate threat in comparison to just getting the dark magic munchies. So after Pinkie makes a note about how it's contradictory that they can't access the mirror but can still get messages across, Twilight goes into full Mary Sue mode and bullshits some science equipment over to the mirror. We cut to Twilight giving complicated science formulas that she also pulled out of her ass and viola, she can use the mirror any damn time she pleases and HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE.
|Why make one princess horrible when you can make three unbearable!|
|Considering that Celestia was a bitch for the majority of the movie I'm surprised they didn't try to market this toy to us.|
You know who else gets hardly any lines in this movie? Brad. And the best part is, half of his lines are being horrible to Twilight Sparkle. You see, when the Sirens put their spell over the school it not only made everyone obsessed with the competition but also hateful towards any competition or people that wanted to stop it. So as soon as Brad learns Twilight is in another band he lashes out at her and makes her cry. Gee, if that shitty pony scene never happened I think that would make this a 10/10 movie!
|He does look really interested in hate fucking that hippie bro though.|
|Since when did you get so busty, Shimmer!?! Oh, also Maud makes a funny appearance.|
She ends up noticing a lot of things and fixing some of the problems the group has later on in the movie, and by the end of the movie becomes a completely reformed and accepted character. Shit, she even takes a dangerous risk confronts the villains alone when the rest of the group temporarily hates her. Maybe next time she can just replace Twilight as the main character. I CAN DREAM, DAMMIT!
|Maybe I'm just late to the party and she's been busty all along.|
The conclusion that they need to hide their powers comes off as a bit odd. The audience is already shown that the Sirens really only want the mane six powers, and that they're fully aware they have them. Plus the school already knows that the mane six are basically magical girls. So for us, it's rather pointless to have them hide their powers until the finale. They know it's Equestrian magic, so to them it would make sense if ears and tails popped out of nowhere. But hey, I guess they needed to find a way for Sunset Shimmer to get shit on once again by preventing a now overly cocky Rainbow Dash from showing her ears and ruining a performance. All this really does is needlessly complicate a previously simple storyline.
|The Lyra/Bon Bon ship may be overused, but this was pretty cute. Their cheeks even touched for a second.|
|If you were able to guess that DJ was shoe horned into this movie just to market more dolls to both girls and bronies, you are correct!|
|It wouldn't be an Equestria Girls movie without shitty outfits. This world's Rarity sucks!|
Whew, what a long review! If you feel like I missed anything or just want to tell everyone how much Twilight sucks feel free to post a comment. A-and you can follow me on Twitter if you want to hear me complain about fictional characters more.