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Open Letter from BUCK Towers
Dear Horse News,
In light of the dramatic expose on BUCK that surfaced on Monday, we felt that we could no longer remain silent on matters that haunt upper BUCK Towers management.
The truth is that the con is indebted by roughly a billion of Her Majesty’s Pound Sterling, mostly with loan sharks and Pay Day Lenders who charge us around 2,300% APR. We got a pretty good deal, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, (Goldman Sachs advised us kinda well to be honest, services which had been recommended to us by Greece’s gov’).
We feel that it’s our duty to explain precisely where this money went, in the interests of transparency with the attendees.
Roughly £13m was spent on a failed summer project where we commissioned one of our suppliers to fill the Hilton London Metropole function rooms with 20,000 Mane 6 plushies, creating an enormous ball pit fun house of soft toys. The plan was executed, but after testing it ourselves, the vibe wasn’t quite what we were looking for, so we decided to mothball the project until further notice. The plushies are currently in storage containers on a barge floating at roughly 56°01’26”N 1°18’39”E.
A further quarter of a million pounds a year is spent paying a fishing trawler to guard this location 365 days a year.
Whilst this was happening, the BUCK Legal team blew through a further five million canadian dollars in the pursuit of banning the word “fun”, specifically in the context of rhythmic chanting, or mass utterance by more than two people simultaneously.
Although well intentioned and meticulously planned, this was also a fruitless endeavour that is currently shelved pending the official review into the validity of BUCK’s solicitor’s certificate to practise law. Apparently owning a MacBook Pro, carrying a briefcase containing a 500-pack of copier paper, and being a mod of a Tumblr Real Social Justice blog is not sufficient qualification.
A further 50% of the lost money has been ring-fenced as compensation to the grieving families of potential stewards who did not survive the rigorous, but in our eyes entirely justified, initiation test of becoming a BUCK steward. We tried to argue this with Costa Rican authorities who raided the training facility, but those government officials drive a hard bargain, if you know what I mean.
Finally, the remainder of the funds are exhausted on the upkeep and maintenance of the Company Director Mavromichali – who despite all appearances, is actually a hologram generated by a cluster of around 32,000 Sega Megadrive systems that have been custom modified to run Fedora Linux. As you can imagine, the upkeep of this system is costly.
As such, the self-aware entity known as Mav will be shut down at the end of 2014, and as for this reason, we cannot plan for BUCK 2015.
In the mean time, BUCK 2014 is entirely funded through the use of a personal American Express card with no credit limit. We think it belongs to the Chairman, but we haven’t told him we’re using it. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
As you can see, we have a hell of a show lined up for BUCK 2014 this August, and we can’t wait to see you all there.