We here at Horse News get a lot of fan mail, ranging from court summons to Cease and Desist notices to hundreds of gigabytes of gore and child pornography and even advertisements for hot local mares in our area.
But as much as we love the thought that some of our adoring fans put into these well-written and thought out works of appreciation, we do receive our fair share of hate mail as well. And one thing we’ve noticed about all this hate mail before it goes in the special place reserved for Nigerian princes, ads for local brony meetups, and >no hooves, is that a lot of this mail is nearly identical.
So, to save our adoring fans some precious time that they could be using to do useful things like barrage us with insults or dox our reporters, we here at Horse News have decided to provide a prewritten form designed specifically for hate mail.
“To the (adjective)phobic (acronym)gendered (color)-privileged piece of (animal) (body part) at Horse News,
Who in the name of (higher power) do you (noun)s think you are? I am a top (something you do on the internet) on (website) and I am completely offended by your (adjective) article on (noun). Being the (adjective), entitled person that I am, I demand to (verb) your entire staff immediately.
Perhaps you (noun)s don’t think I’m serious, but I’ll have you know that I have a (noun) who is a member of the Internet (military institution, defense force, or rebel group) with over (number) confirmed shutdowns. You just wait until I tell xir how you (verb)ed your (noun)s at me over the internet. Xhe’ll have you (verb)ed so (adverb) that your (body part)s fill fall off and burn in a puddle of (liquid).
I was completely (past tense feeling) while (verb)ing your article. I’m not sure if I was more offended by the part about the (adjective) (noun) doing (verb) to the poor, (adjective) noun or when your article started to preach (adjective)phobia. You see, I have been (same adjective) for (number) years now, and over that time I have been called a (adjective) (adjective) (noun) more times than I can count. The experience (verb)ed my emotional well-being and turned me into a (noun), a problem I still struggle with today.
Your story was not only (adjective), but I also noticed that you did not include the proper trigger warning for (verb). You see, my fellow (group or organization) women and I are faced with potential (same verb) situations every day and the majority of us women have in fact been (same verb)ed. Your article set off more triggers than when (rapper) released that song “I (verb) a (color) (noun) Bitch.” Your lack of proper warning could have (verb)ed me!
I will give you (number) hours to remove your (adjective) pile of (noun) from your website. If you do not, I will be forced to tell my (job) that you (verb)ed me online and have you taken to the (adjective) Court.
Eat (noun) and die, you (acronym)phobic (adjective)-privilege (verb)-culture-supporter (noun)s.”