Horse News: The Mad Lib by

We here at Horse News get a lot of fan mail, ranging from court summons to Cease and Desist notices to hundreds of gigabytes of gore and child pornography and even advertisements for hot local mares in our area.

But as much as we love the thought that some of our adoring fans put into these well-written and thought out works of appreciation, we do receive our fair share of hate mail as well. And one thing we’ve noticed about all this hate mail before it goes in the special place reserved for Nigerian princes, ads for local brony meetups, and >no hooves, is that a lot of this mail is nearly identical.

So, to save our adoring fans some precious time that they could be using to do useful things like barrage us with insults or dox our reporters, we here at Horse News have decided to provide a prewritten form designed specifically for hate mail.

“To the (adjective)phobic (acronym)gendered (color)-privileged piece of (animal) (body part) at Horse News,

Who in the name of (higher power) do you (noun)s think you are? I am a top (something you do on the internet) on (website) and I am completely offended by your (adjective) article on (noun). Being the (adjective), entitled person that I am, I demand to (verb) your entire staff immediately.

Perhaps you (noun)s don’t think I’m serious, but I’ll have you know that I have a (noun) who is a member of the Internet (military institution, defense force, or rebel group) with over (number) confirmed shutdowns. You just wait until I tell xir how you (verb)ed your (noun)s at me over the internet. Xhe’ll have you (verb)ed so (adverb) that your (body part)s fill fall off and burn in a puddle of (liquid).

I was completely (past tense feeling) while (verb)ing your article. I’m not sure if I was more offended by the part about the (adjective) (noun) doing (verb) to the poor, (adjective) noun or when your article started to preach (adjective)phobia.  You see, I have been (same adjective) for (number) years now, and over that time I have been called a (adjective) (adjective) (noun) more times than I can count. The experience (verb)ed my emotional well-being and turned me into a (noun), a problem I still struggle with today.

Your story was not only (adjective), but I also noticed that you did not include the proper trigger warning for (verb). You see, my fellow (group or organization) women and I are faced with potential (same verb) situations every day and the majority of us women have in fact been (same verb)ed. Your article set off more triggers than when (rapper) released that song “I (verb) a (color) (noun) Bitch.” Your lack of proper warning could have (verb)ed me!

I will give you (number) hours to remove your (adjective) pile of (noun) from your website. If you do not, I will be forced to tell my (job) that you (verb)ed me online and have you taken to the (adjective) Court.


Eat (noun) and die, you (acronym)phobic (adjective)-privilege (verb)-culture-supporter (noun)s.”

Comments (10)

  1. >rape goes in every field

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. “To the rapephobic rapegendered rape-privileged piece of rape rape at Horse News,

      Who in the name of Rape do you rapes think you are? I am a top raper on rape.rape and I am completely offended by your rapist article on rape. Being the rape, entitled person that I am, I demand to rape your entire staff immediately.

      Perhaps you rapes don’t think I’m serious, but I’ll have you know that I have a rape who is a member of the Internet rapists with over rape confirmed shutdowns. You just wait until I tell xir how you raped your rapes at me over the internet. Xhe’ll have you raped so rape that your rapes fill fall off and burn in a puddle of rape.

      I was completely raped while raping your article. I’m not sure if I was more offended by the part about the rape rape doing rape to the poor, rape rape or when your article started to preach rapephobia. You see, I have been raped for rape years now, and over that time I have been called a rape rape rape more times than I can count. The experience rape
      ed my emotional well-being and turned me into a rape, a problem I still struggle with today.

      Your story was not only rape, but I also noticed that you did not include the proper trigger warning for rape. You see, my fellow rapist women and I are faced with potential rape situations every day and the majority of us women have in fact been raped. Your article set off more triggers than when Big Rape released that song “I rape a rape rape Bitch.” Your lack of proper warning could have raped me!

      I will give you rape hours to remove your rape pile of rape from your website. If you do not, I will be forced to tell my raper that you raped me online and have you taken to the rape Court.


      Eat rape and die, you rapephobic rape-privilege rape-culture-supporter rapes.”

      It doesn't have the same ring as you think

      Delete
    2. >I demand to rape your entire staff immediately.

      Kek.

      Delete
  2. sigh... when will people learn that Horse News' generally jackassery is not supposed to be taken seriously... They don't actually hate [noun] people or [color] people or [explictive] [verb]ing people, they just [verb] to listen to the sound of their own [title] [pronoun]'s ass [verbing] in the wind
    tldr: fuck [ethinitcity], smoke [plant], [equine] is best [mammal]

    ReplyDelete
  3. is it wrong to want access to the HN email, just for the "Hot local Mares in your area"?

    Hooves > no Hooves

    Btw, the chick in the header image is super hot. Please Sauce kaythxbai.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. is..is this person real? He doesn't know /mlp/-tan? I don't believe him.

      Delete
  4. I am the terror that flaps in the night!
    I am the [noun] that [verb] your [noun]!

    I am Darkwing Duck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. >hundreds of gigabytes of gore and child pornography

    You know, if you guys don't want it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You idiot, that was a joke. Of course they want to keep it.

      Delete