Supreme Court #HobbyLobby ruling prompts creation of new brony religion by


Following today's United States Supreme Court ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby, one group has seen a chance to seize a golden opportunity, and have quickly established "The Reformed Church of Celestia", complete with Sunday worship and a dogmatic book of beliefs. The ruling, which protects First Amendment rights of citizens and companies to the point that they are exempt from Federal laws is seen as "a huge win for greedy sociopaths". Here's what the CoC has in-store.




Newly-appointed leader of the Church, his grace Pope Grand Wizard Steve Finkelstein was ecstatic to hear the ruling this afternoon, as he donned his Celestia Fursuit to meet his congregation at the Subway Restaraunt in Sandusky Ohio.

"Naturally, love and tolerance will be the primary mantras of the Church of Celestia, but with this new ruling, we've decided to make our religion about so much more," Pope Finkelstein said while attempting to hold a footlong Italian BMT sandwich between his cardboard-and-cloth hooves. "We really want to take advantage of the tax-free nature of being a religion, as well as the fact we are now exempt from Federal laws."

Finkelstein proceeded to scribble a series of commandments on a Subway napkin, to serve as the Church's first legal document.


"First off, the Church of Celestia will regard ALL human healthcare as a sin, therefore employers who join our faith will not be required to provide any medical insurance whatsoever. The only acceptable healthcare will be in the form of laughter, applejuice, and sun worship."

The Grand Wizard went on to list several other tenets of the church shortly before getting Italian dressing on his fursuit and running to the bathroom.



Of note, the Church of Celestia will make "minimum wage" a sin, as well as labor unions, as ponies are a largely communist society who frequently barter and share as opposed to having a large working class.

Analysts expect the Church of Celestia to catch-on quickly among America's prison systems, as the Church requires all of its members to have a sharpened-metal unicorn-horn headpiece with them at all times. Many teenagers are looking forward to the daily sacrament of "several gallons of hard apple cider", now that federal laws against underage drinking are null-and-void for religious purposes.

Whether or not the Church will allow for legal marriage to horses, plush dolls, tulpas, or dakimakura pillows has yet to be determined.

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in opposition of
Women's contraceptive coverage. Guess which 5.
"Isn't it great what is possible when the highest court in the land says that companies and people are exempt from federal laws on religious grounds?" said one follower, who had just beaten a citation for public indecency (as ponies are naked all the time). "They must have forgotten that America is more than just Christian!"

Pope Finkelstein is currently hard at work writing a holy book for the Church on his iPad in the local Starbucks, naming Celestia as a deity and Lauren Faust as a prophet.

At press-time Tobacco companies were compiling a case against federally-mandated warning labels, with the advent of the "Church of Child-Smokers".

Comments (17)

  1. I come here for Horse bullshit. Not idiotic and false political bullshit.

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    1. Someone's got their pony panties from hot topic in a twist.

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    2. Can't one come to their favorite Horse related news site without dealing with political false equivalencies? I can go to Tumblr for that.

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    3. Would we really be Horse News if we didn't try to cover all the drama?

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    4. You would be a less retarded and wrong Horse News, at least. And more entertaining.

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  2. Damn that's a sexy pope

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  3. All this heresy
    http://imgur.com/eMjiMiA

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    1. We call a holy crusade to remove the infidels at once!
      Deus Vult!

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  4. It's fake and yet still better than Capper fag's 'articles'

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  5. Faust Prophet and Celestia God? Not the other way around?

    Smells like Heresy.

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  6. someone tell me why it's a human right to get contraceptives paid for by your insurance Buy the damn things yourselves you lazy sumbitches, they aren't that expensive!

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    1. Silly goyim, don't you know? You're entitled to anything that lets you feel good risk free.

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  7. What is this? HN covering relevant news? Nullshit! That can't possibly be true....

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  8. Praise the sun!

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  9. Except they DO cover contraceptives. Condoms, birth control pills, etc. The only thing they DON'T cover is morning-after pills, because they believe life begins at conception.

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  10. I started a pony religion way before this guy. Ever heard of the Cult of Linden? http://tinypic.com/r/2z9egpz/8

    Free "Join the Cult of Linden" bracelets are included when you join.

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