Following today's United States Supreme Court ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby, one group has seen a chance to seize a golden opportunity, and have quickly established "The Reformed Church of Celestia", complete with Sunday worship and a dogmatic book of beliefs. The ruling, which protects First Amendment rights of citizens and companies to the point that they are exempt from Federal laws is seen as "a huge win for greedy sociopaths". Here's what the CoC has in-store.
Finkelstein proceeded to scribble a series of commandments on a Subway napkin, to serve as the Church's first legal document.
"First off, the Church of Celestia will regard ALL human healthcare as a sin, therefore employers who join our faith will not be required to provide any medical insurance whatsoever. The only acceptable healthcare will be in the form of laughter, applejuice, and sun worship."
The Grand Wizard went on to list several other tenets of the church shortly before getting Italian dressing on his fursuit and running to the bathroom.
Of note, the Church of Celestia will make "minimum wage" a sin, as well as labor unions, as ponies are a largely communist society who frequently barter and share as opposed to having a large working class.
Analysts expect the Church of Celestia to catch-on quickly among America's prison systems, as the Church requires all of its members to have a sharpened-metal unicorn-horn headpiece with them at all times. Many teenagers are looking forward to the daily sacrament of "several gallons of hard apple cider", now that federal laws against underage drinking are null-and-void for religious purposes.
Whether or not the Church will allow for legal marriage to horses, plush dolls, tulpas, or dakimakura pillows has yet to be determined.
|The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in opposition of |
Women's contraceptive coverage. Guess which 5.
Pope Finkelstein is currently hard at work writing a holy book for the Church on his iPad in the local Starbucks, naming Celestia as a deity and Lauren Faust as a prophet.
At press-time Tobacco companies were compiling a case against federally-mandated warning labels, with the advent of the "Church of Child-Smokers".