Over the weekend, Mitch "Coronate a Bitch" Larson went on a chaotic signing spree. While at Trotcon the man literally autographed everything in sight, from buses to barf bags, bathrooms to boxes, and most likely breasts as well. During this Sharpie-Brand rampage, the total-bro (though potentially inadvertantly) cosigned for a high-interest small-business loan with Horse-News.
"The guy was a total bro about it. I said, 'Hey Larson! Can you sign this?' and he did. And then another page, and then a third page, and then his initials. I shook his hand and walked out with an affidavit from the notary. Was the easiest business pitch ever!"
With the Western Sky business loan paperwork in hand, our team now has access to just over $3,000 (at 89% monthly interest rate), with which we have agreed will be used to construct a new Horse-News Headquarters in Michigan. As it turns out, $3000 is enough to buy 8 square city blocks of prime Detroit real estate, which we will raze to the ground (with the help of the volunteer labor of the local population) and replace with an
RV for cooking meth a respectable corporate office facility.
As Horse-News has no actual revenue stream it is quite fortunate that Larson was so quick to cosign the loan paperwork, making him the co-owner of several acres of pristine, war-torn projects in Eastern Michigan, and at least 6 unexplained corpses, and ongoing police investigations.
At press-time, Horse-News has received a report that Larson had also autographed an Ohio State Police Officer's face, a Pabst Blue Ribbon, a copy of "Atlas Shrugged", and a legal will that names my pet gerbil "Kevin" as the heir to his inheritance (if there is any after the cost of this loan, now valued at over $86K at the time of publishing).