Wednesday, 28 May 2014

MLP Civil War: Letters from the Battlefield



The war against the Tumblr separatist rebels rages on, as troops are called up from as far away as FunnyJunk and FIMfiction, to meet the threat. The Union forces (who are now being called "Yank-ees" due to the separatist's accusations that bronies are all chronic masturbators) have scored a major victory against their Confederate brothers, in a battle called "Entymology Hill"
The charge of Entymology Hill, led my Major Genderal General M.D. Gusty, cut deep into Tumblr's lines, choking off their dwindling logic supply.

His strategy? Flanking the Equestrians and blowing a hole right through their post (by revealing that the word "Equestrian" is actually inherently masculine in nature and therefore NOT gender neutral). With the tenants of slavery Equestrianism called into question, the resolve of the rebels is on shaky ground.

While many separatists have either surrendered or joined up with the Yank-ees, the conflict continues, and some soldiers have grown weary of the fighting. We have intercepted some of their letters to loved ones, collected from the battlefield. Readers are encouraged to play this music while reading the accounts of the turmoil.


One soldier pledges his resolve to rescue his beloved art from tyranny.


One soldier writes from the site of the Battle of FimFiction, a contested neutral territory, that was won on behalf of the Union.


He wrote back after the charge, to let his loved one know he survived the mission. He promises to bring home a bounty from his service, both from pay and from looting.


Few sites saw as many sides lost as FunnyJunk, where those exposed to the battle were sent to recover after their sides were torn apart with laughter at the rebel advances.


While many men thought of their waifus, others who were tulpa-less wrote to their Mothers and families back home. This one was addressed to "Mumsie".


This one to a brother, safe from the conflict, far off in an anime fandom that has never seen such devastation.


Many believe that the end of the conflict is close at hand, as reinforcements from Reddit's "MLPlounge" reserves, and the 81st Derpibooru are called in to reinforce Ulysses S. Capper's forces to corner "Stonewall" Pawsmilk's Army at Tumblrmattox. The drunken General will force them to surrender, and admit that they are being ridiculous unconditionally.


"4 years and as many seasons ago, our mother brought forth on our television, a new series, conceived in Friendship, and dedicated to the proposition that Trixie IS the best pony." - President Sethisto Lincoln at the Quads-Get'ysburg Address.





18 comments:

  1. War. War never changes.

    It just gets more hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. War....war has changed. It's no longer about the things we like to watch.It's an endless series of flame wars and bitching and moaning. Gender-tagged weapons used by gender-tagged cishet. Information control. Censorship control.

      Delete
    2. Definitely Lets go get some popcorn ^^ I can tell this is going to be a fun end of the month.

      Delete
  2. Internet wars are best wars.

    They are the most vicious.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This isn't war, this is murder...
    *adopts a Graucho Marx voice*
    This isn't waor, it's a moider!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I too have a war letter.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The Tumblr separatist are one of the best things that's happened to the fandom in a long time. A whole bunch of the annoying, self righteous, hateful, self important, self absorbed fans are closing themselves off from the rest of us and staying in their own clubhouses.

    Can't you guys see how wonderful that is?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And just a few days ago we were lamenting the anniversary of the scruffening and this delicious pile of side-busting goodness falls right into our laps.

      These are glorious days.

      Delete
  6. this is so autistic.

    you guys really are bored aren't you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're 2 weeks into the hiatus now, the pasta is only gonna get softer and softer.

      Delete
    2. What are you, some kind of communist? Where's your patriotism? Support our troops, faggot.

      (Oh wait, wrong war. Sorry.)

      Delete
    3. Whenever tumblr is involved, you KNOW it's getting autistic up in here.
      Because that shit spreads.

      Delete
    4. We are bored and its mainly the hiatus. We need some entertainment.

      Delete
  7. Wow. The hiatus is already settling in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A MONTH YET.

      Delete
  8. Some believe war is Glory...But believe me boys, War is all HELL!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Already received multiple death threats for my actions in the war.. I use them as fuel for the fire that burns in my loins for our freedom.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete