Toddler's Satanic Ritual opens the portal to Equestria by


A child who wished to join the master race of white alicorn princesses after finding Princess Molestia on Google safe search, has successfully opened the portal to Equestria this evening, using a ritual she found by playing Magical Mystery Cure backwards.

The child, whose intellect is clearly unparalleled (she is able to understand common-core mathematics taught at a public school in rural Wisconsin), opened a portal just wide enough to pass through unharmed, even while being transported through 7 rings of hellfire, much like the movie Equestria Girls (the movie, not the portal IN the movie).

Natalie Peters, age 10, created a pentagram on her backyard doorstep using a combination of sidewalk chalk and brony tears, placing each of the mane 6 at the points. She then uttered the phrase "nosral a m sknaht" 3 times while burning a photo of Lauren Faust over the center of the circle.

Upon completion of the ritual, a large beam of rainbow-colored energy shot forth from the pavement, accompanied by unholy sounds of demons. The sounds were captured by a security camera near the scene:


The recording has been analyzed by paranormal experts and the Vatican, both groups agree these sounds can only come from the bowels of Hell itself.

Natalie appeared to be in high spirits as she posted the image of her ritual circle to /mlp/, who of course are well versed in this sort of thing, shortly before jumping into the portal and disappearing. Whether she was successful in her voyage is unknown, she has not been heard from since, many believe she was underage b&.

A Hasbro spokesperson reminds all children to ask for a parent's permission before summoning the powers of Satan.

Comments (14)

  1. I'll wait for this to be unwittingly reposted on Fox News or some other ultra-conservative shitfest.

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    1. I'd bank on the tumblrinas complaining that we're further ruining a thing meant for little girls first.

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    2. Either that, or they'd congratulate the girl for discovering devil worship and wish her further luck in bringing down the patriarchy.

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  2. I see why this worked, she used DJ-PON3 at the 4th point. This would create a sufficient amount of wub-energy to open the portal. Well done!

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    1. Gonna be frank, anon. That was REALLY autistic.

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    2. But anon, you're anon... and so am I... Somehow.

      Can somebody explain how this anon shit works? I think I'm interneting wrong...

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    3. We're all anon, and address each other as anon.

      End of story.

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  3. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

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  4. >that song
    Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

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  5. My God... she is poisoning the world of music too...

    NOW IT'S PERSONAL! >:(

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  6. Some guy on twitter copied the pentagram. @owlmanA

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  7. I have NO idea WHAT I just read. it's like this article appeared from some surreal realm that just doesn't fit with earthly reality. this article must be an example of what it's like in side the head of a lunatic. but then, may be one has to be a lunatic to subscribe to this web site.

    oh, and just for the record - may be in Surreal World a ten-year is considered a "toddler", but in THIS world a toddler is no older than the age of three. I mean, I'm pretty sure that by the time a kid reaches the age of ten, they are no longer "toddling" as they walk - they have the walking thing pretty much down pat after near a decade of doing it. then again, why expect accuracy in an article from Surreal World?

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    1. You're the type of person that everyone probably talks about when you're not around

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  8. Can i use a subsitute for brony tears? maybe vegetable oil?

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