The Pasta-Free Guide To Buying McDonald's Pony Toys by

The following comes from the Submission box from a user (and evidently former McDonald's Employee) named Angry Crew Member. If you have an article you would like to submit to Horse-News, submit it here.

So, you want to get those pony toys from McDonald's. You're terrified of what the cashier might think of you, a sweaty neckbeard who clearly doesn't have a little sister because your parents gave up after having you.

There's some guides on the internet now of how to convince the cashier that the toy is really for your sister, and how to ask for specific things so you get the exact pony what you want, and how to "work the system".

But, speaking as a former crew member, there's really only one thing you need to know: the McDonald's workers do not give a fuck.

So you want a toy? Here's what you do:

1. Walk into McDonald's.

2. Ask for a girl's toy on its own. Yes, you can do this. There's a small handful of McDonald's that don't allow this, but fuck them, you can walk down the street to the next one and buy a toy.

3. Pay for it.
Make sure your cash is in a wallet and not your sweaty pocket.
Wet dollars are literally the most disgusting thing I've seen at that restaurant, and I've cleaned the grills.

4. Get the toy. Leave.
Don't hang around and play with it, that's just fucking spaghetti, come on.

Do you want to go in wearing full brony regalia, fedora, XXXXL Luna T-shirt and all? No one fucking cares. But if you're going to regale the cashier with a 20-minute long explanation of why it's okay that you want a toy for little girls, at least do it AFTER you pay for the toy. Those orders are fucking timed on the register. The longer you talk, the more likely you're going to get the cashier in trouble.

What about the customer satisfaction box? Can't you just ask for that? No, fuck you. They exist, but franchise stores do NOT have them.
They're only sent to corporate. So if you whine about it and you're in the wrong store, you're just being a fucking idiot.

How can you get the specific pony you want, then?
Fucking ask for it.
Ask by color, not by name or number. The cashier doesn't fucking remember all their names, and the numbers, while printed on the bags, are incredibly hard to read in shitty restaurant lighting. I know there's 3 white ones. Fucking deal with it.

If you get the wrong toy, you can ask to see what they have, on two conditions.

1. It's not busy. Because they don't have to trade your toy. You paid for one, you got one. Customers with more money to give are more important than you.

2. You're not in the drive-thru. If you're too much of a pussy to bother going inside, you take what you get. Don't mess up the drive-thru times. Is your Luna toy really worth a minimum-wage employee potentially losing their job? Because some places, that's what happens when their times are over.

If they don't have the toy you want, don't be a little bitch about it. You spent at most $3 on it. That's less than what a blindbag toy costs and I know you collect those too. Sell your unwanted toy on ebay or trade it with a friend, if you have any.

The exception is if they give you a girl's toy from an older run. If you get some of the Paul Frank shit, you're entitled to a refund. Even the kids don't want that shit. If they're advertising ponies, you should get a pony.
If, after all this, you're still worried about a cashier making fun of you, grow some fucking balls. Yes, they're going to laugh at you, but only behind your back. And they need something to lighten up the day anyways.

No one is going to insult you to your face. Your fucking hobby is not worth them risking their job.
But if you're going to be a jackass and whine about $1 worth of plastic, anything the cashier does after that is on you. Just because they're not allowed to punch you in the face doesn't mean they don't want to.

And if you're still worried? Just pay some kid to go buy the toy for you. Buy them some booze in return. Literally nothing can go wrong with this plan.

Views expressed in user-submitted articles do not necessarily reflect the views an opinions of anyone really.

Comments (9)

  1. You could always do as I do and simply kidnap small children.
    When I get asked about the tears I tell people that the child just really, really wants their toy.

    1. Why don't you have a seat?

  2. I just ordered a combo meal for myself then a happy meal
    That was my Friday night

  3. I enjoyed this article and demand more from the same author.

  4. If you want to collect toys from McDonald's meant for little girls, you are socially stunted person, just my .02.

    If you had a negative reaction to this comment, you've proven my point.

    1. I agree with you there, anon. Just because YOU CAN buy those pony toys, doesn't mean YOU SHOULD; we don't live in Should-Land.

    2. I live in No-Fucks-Land, give me the toys that I want. And a Big Gulp.

    3. If I want some fucking chicken nuggets and a plastic fucking pony, then by god I will fucking buy it. This is America, son.

  5. I let it ship to me in Europe and let others buy it for me :P