Horse News Insider Workout Pro Tips by

Hopefully by now you have all read and taken to heart our official Horse News guide to the latest trends in Spring fashion.  But if you really want to look good for your qt imaginary cartoon pony gf attract all the sloots this summer, the outfit is only half the battle.


After all those bitches be done mirin' your outfit, they'll inevitably want to 'mire a little bit more.  And since they'll all be jumping in line to take off your stellar outfit, you want to make sure they are not disappointed by your body.

This is why we here at Horse News have devised a foolproof workout guide for all you fat out-of-shape manchildren future studs out there who just happen to like a certain TV show.  Even considering the average physical shape of you horsefuckers, these helpful tips should get you /fit/ in no time!

1. Curls get girls

Curls are by and large the best, and often only, exercise you ever need.  The first thing any female is going to notice about you are how large your biceps are.  And, as we all know, curls are the best way to make 'em big!  If you do enough variations of curls, they are more than comprehensive enough to work your whole body and give you a complete workout routine.
See? You noticed the large biceps first, not the tiny calves!
 *BONUS fitness expert tip: The best place to do your curl routine is at a squat rack.  You can easily move between amounts of weight based on the exercise and everything is right there for you in one personal area!

2. Take care of your legs

As you start working out more, you'll inevitably hear all kinds of things like "Don't skip leg day" or "Gloots for sloots."
All that pain, and they don't even have hooves...
Now don't get us wrong, leg work is certainly important to your workout.  However, many popular leg exercises can be very damaging to your knees and back! Squatting is a very popular lift, but the motions do a lot of wear and tear to your knees.  If done wrong, squats can also cause serious injury to your back.  Deadlifts can end in exactly the same results.  We here at Horse News have learned from our "investigative reporting" and "in-depth research" that you can see the same results by doing one (yes, you heard us, just one) leg exercise:
Seated leg curls.  Like we said before, curls are comprehensive and all you really need for a solid workout.

3. Eat big to get big

This should be easily for you fat fucks fellas with above-average body sizes.  Basically, just keep eating like you are now, but maybe add in a couple cheeseburgers on days you lift. Gotta get that extra protein in!

To maximize your eating technique, we recommend moving your fork to your mouth in the motion of a bicep curl.  It's a great way to get in a few extra reps while you're not at the gym!
Fork Curls: Probably approved by 2 Chainz

4. Abs and cardio

Let's be honest, we all dream of having that perfect six-pack of abs that makes the girls' panties drop harder than the bass on a Skrillex song.  Most people say that doing ab work or cardio will help you get those carved ab muscles, but what is really the best ab workout?
...Do we really even need to fucking tell you at this point?

Well, readers, there you have it. If you follow these great workout tips when you go to the gym once per week or so, you'll have that ripped look with plenty of time to spare before summer!

Comments (3)

  1. But how do I become an Aryan like in pic 2?
    I don't want to be an Untermensch.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, pic 4. You guys put too many pictures in these articles, man. Back in my time, we'd only get 1 picture per article in our news at most!

      Delete
  2. "This should be easily for you fat fucks fellas with above-average body sizes. Basically, just keep eating like you are now, but maybe add in a couple cheeseburgers on days you lift. Gotta get that extra protein in!"

    This is complete bullshit, you cant just eat like that, you need a calories count diet if you dont want to lose everything on cutting.

    ReplyDelete