|Would have made for a better episode, really.|
Saturday has arrived, and a new episode along with it. Buckle up tight, kiddies, and grab your vomit bags, because we're in for another instalment of magical multicolour mares. This week's episode brings us a touching story about love, loss and spousal abuse. I'm just guessing on that last one, I haven't watched it yet. Here's hoping you enjoy this brief recap and this isn't a waste of my time BUT OF COURSE IT IS.
Also, I'd like to thank Fimphiliacs for writing last week's recap whilst I was ill.
This week's episode kicks off in the heart of the town, where the whole town are gathered for some kind of event that even after watching the scene I'm still not entirely sure of the purpose of. As I understand, they're competing for the right to host some kind of event in the town. I don't know why they didn't just go to Rarity in the first place since it seems like it involves a fashion show of some sort. Granny Smith happens to be on the voting panel, as she was around for the founding of Ponyville, as we already know. But how long does it actually take to build an entire town, including its residents anyway? How old can she actually be?
As Rarity is predictably chosen to host the event, the gang gather up in the Boutique to hear about the extravagant bullshit White Supremacy has planned for the town. These include, as shown by a drawing board, a
wine CIDER tasting course, a miniature gala, and of course - A fashion show. And what THEME has Rarity picked for the entire event? SMALL TOWN CHIC. Now somebody please tell me that I'm not the only one who doesn't have a fucking clue what that means. The rest of the gang then offer to do their part on the sections of their choice. Rarity happily responds that this gives her time to impress "Trenderhoof".
Who the hell is Trenderhoof, you may ask? They don't have a clue either. Rarity scoffs at them and pulls out a shrine to some guy, plastered with photos of him like you would find in an obsessive stalker's basement, albeit without the cut-out eyes and the cum stains. Rarity claims him to be the "most handsome travel writer in Equestria" the competition for that position being obviously numerous with him being the guy that "wrote about Las Pegasus before it became a tourist hotspot" among other things, and that "He knows what's going to be hot before it's even tepid". To summarise, he's a massive fucking hipster tool.
|Flash Sentry v2.0|
Twilight and Rarity wait on the train platform to await his appearance. Rarity takes the time to fruitlessly worry that he might stand her obsessive ass up, which he might have done if he'd known about the shrine. After creating a public disturbance and making a freakin' scene, the lanky fucker steps out of the train, and greets Rarity in the most pretentious sounding voice ever to pass vocal chords. It was at this point I realised that nobody was going to like him. This doesn't, however, stop Rara from behaving like a spoiled schoolgirl with a crush on the sports team captain.
After Rarity shows him around a little, Hipsterhoof remains largely unimpressed by Rarity's attempts to seduce him. At least I think that's what's happening. When they arrive at the Apple Farm, he digs his limbs into the ground, apparently fascinated by the dirt that he walked over. I'm serious, he's really into that dirt.
But his dirt divulgence is nothing compared to the first time he spots background horse. Motherfucker literally shoves Rarity out of the way to view her. It's your classic cheesy love-at-first-sight scene.
|Every single fucking day this little faggot sits here and gives me this stupid look on her face.|
Rarity takes it as well as you'd think.
Spike finds Rarity by her shrine in the boutique sobbing like a grieving widow. Though Spike attempts to comfort her, she tells Spike that he couldn't possibly understand what it's like to have someone they like have a crush on somebody else. Spike is understandably unimpressed, and the only advice he gives afterwards is a shrug. Rarity, meanwhile, formulates her own plan.
In the next scene, as Applejack walks through the town, Benderhoof follows her the whole while making unsavoury and just plain weird comments. For example, he tells her "I have such respect for the work ethic of Earth Ponies!" which is akin to saying "I have a black best friend so I ain't racist bro". Thankfully, before he gets around to telling her his horn got bigger because of her, Rarity shows up in a kinky cowgirl entourage. After unsuccessfully claiming that she LOVES to haul apples, Trenderpoof suddenly comes up with a limerick - The first two lines ending with "arity" - Which then suddenly ends with "Applejack".
Now call me meticulous but that shit really pissed me off. Limericks are supposed to rhyme. Bait-and-switch joke or not, to end the first line with "despairity" and "clarity" and finish it with "Applejack" is fucking stupid. Why am I so mad about this?
|LIMERICKS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!|
Rarity decides to brush up on her farming skills by attempting to ride a plough. Seriously, it's not rocket science. Applejack takes over, and Trenderhoof I ran out of derogative nicknames observes Applejack giving the field a good, hard ploughing, obviously wishing he was that field. As Applejack moves on to bucking the trees, Rarity steps in to show that she can do it with "grace", in which she does a... I don't know, but it confuses the heck out of me. It was like a dance, or if not a dance, then a seizure. Seriously, look at this gif.
|what the fuck was that|
Whatever it was, it only yielded a single miserable apple. Having had enough bullshit for one day, Applejack retreats into a chicken coop. Trenderhoof turns to Rarity and very slowly/obliviously asks Rarity if she thinks Applejack would be his date to the festival. This guy seriously don't know shit about women, Rarity predictably responding in an aggressive manner. And the stupid fuck STILL doesn't realise what just happened. Rarity and Applejack end up together in the barn to have a small argument over Trender. Rarity thinks Applejack is doing it on purpose, but Applejack claims she ain't doing shit. As Rarity departs, she puts on the first of a series of absolutely fucking horrifying but incredibly amusing southern accents.
The next day, Rarity has changed the theme of the event to suit her ill-attempted seductions of Trender, her new theme being slightly more coherent than the last - SIMPLE WAYS. See, at least I have some idea of what the hell that's supposed to be. Plus it's a title drop. Applejack is notably offended by Rarity dressing up as a hick (which, incidentally, is tagged "Rarihick" on Derpibooru) but Rarity don't take no shit and carries on with the plan.
|As seen on Tumblr-in-the-hay.com|
Rarity casually ropes in some kids for the modelling, including the CMC (who thankfully get no lines) to dress up in stupid looking shit. Apparently even she can't do country. BECAUSE COUNTRY IS TERRIBLE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, that's why. This is the point that "Applejewel" makes her debut.
|What is this? A caption for ants?|
Applejack shows up to pretty much make fun of Rarity as a whole for opposite day. It's yet another contrast between them, just like in "Look Before You Sleep". Inevitably, this leads to Rarity leaping into a giant pool of mud.
Now, I know I'm now that only person here thinking along these lines, but I think I speak for all of /mlp/ when I say that when I wanted to see Rarity get "down and dirty", I didn't so much mean "covered in mud" as I did "mummified in a thin sheet of hot, sticky semen". But a man can dream.
|It's more likely than you think.|
cum spla mud-splatter inadvertently hits Applejack's dress, causing Rarity to spaz out about it, snapping out of her hick facade. There's a short apology full of all that obvious moralistic shit that nobody gives a flying fuck about (except for when Applejack reveals she borrowed the dress from Rarity), when finally Trenderhoof shows up, claiming that he wants to move in with Applejack. Because that's totally cool and not weird. But Rarity scolds him with another moralistic lesson.
Afterwards, Rarity suddenly remembers she was put in charge of a festival, and manages to pull it off in whatever limited time she had left. Trenderhoof shows up to ask for a dance, but instead of Applejack or Rarity, he asks... Granny Smith.
|"He's a hipster who ends up fucking a granny, as all hipsters do" - EQA ANON|
And thus ends another episode. The moral is the simplistic "Be yourself and fuck everybody that doesn't like it" which is a pretty agreeable moral to be honest. There was nothing so special about this episode, but it was pretty alright. So what did we ultimately gain from this episode? Why, the only thing in life that matters, of course - PORN. Sit tight and wait for all the porn that already exists of "Applejewel" and "Rarihick" because THAT is your reward for watching this episode. And god knows you deserve one for suffering it.
|Grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn|
That's all for this week, kids. Next week's episode is Filli Vanilli, a Yellowquiet one. Will it generate as much porn as this one will? We can only hope. Stay tuned.