|"O-oh yeah, well you're *hic* a... uh... fuck."|
In response to this growing panic, we here at Horse News would like to present a helpful list of warning signs to help you determine if your child is an alcohol:
1. You see your child drinking heavily
A number of expensive government studies have shown that there may indeed be a link between heavy consumption of alcohol and alcohol-related illnesses. A number of alcohol-related interest groups have made sure through illicit donations that we include the fact that these studies are by no means conclusive and that there is no legitimate reason to worry if you notice your child consuming large amounts of alcohol.
|I don't have a problem! YOU'RE the one with a problem!|
In another equally expensive government study, it was found that bars do indeed serve alcoholic beverages. If your child is hanging out at these sort of places, this means that it is scientifically possible for your child to purchase alcoholic beverages at these locations. We have yet to determine the connection between these facts, however.
3. Your child has come home stumbling and vomiting
This probably just means your child is a lightweight. Tell them to stop being such a pussy and hand them another beer, or else they may become dehydrated. Keep getting those fluids in ‘em!
4. Your child has ever given oral sex to complete strangers for alcohol money
Why the hell are you even worrying about alcohol? God only knows what kind of STDs your child has. Make sure you tell your family’s estranged child-molesting uncle about that, else he may catch the disease too!
|>God only knows|
While this may be a trait commonly seen in heavy drinkers, there are a number of other factors you need to consider. Your child may be male and you may be a woman, in which case his father has raised him damn well and you should remember your damn place. Your child may be female and you may be male, in which case your child probably just spends too much time on Tumblr and you know that if you hit her back you’ll have child protective services and SJWs all over you, you dirty CIS male-privileged scum. Or perhaps you and your child are the same sex, in which case your child is just resorting to drastic measures to tell you you’re out of shape and need to hit the gym. Hell, maybe you’re the one who needs help here…
6. Your child has openly admitted to you that have a drinking problem and need help
Keep calm, there is absolutely no need to panic nor take any action if your child has done this. It's probably just the alcohol talking.