|You know any site that ships Derpy Hooves with Princess Luna on the home page is not fucking around.|
Starting with Brony Mate we are first asked to say what we are seeking. We are already disappointed that "Horse" is not an option. If you can decide which picture best shows off your sense of style and headwear, you will finally make it to the login screen. Be patient though, this site is as slow as it's primary userbase in a 5K. This sort of thing happens a lot
While we wait for that page to load we will go over to Bronypassions, where perhaps things move quicker.
On the homepage of Bronypassions we are greeted by the smiling faces of some of the users.
So far we don't know if the site is necessarily faster than Bronymate, but we DO know that this charming-looking fellow is online NOW.
And yes, you read that correctly folks, this site is 100% free, that way not only do you not have to leave the house to find the love of your life, you don't even have to pay for it. Because that would seriously carve into your body-pillow money. Moving right along we get to the registration page, where it informs us that "Sexually Explicit Usernames Are Grounds For Account Deletion". We're sorry to report that "xXxHorsefuckerxXx" might count as sexually explicit. So we opted for something much less offensive. "ColtCuddler".
On the registration page that we actually got to while waiting for Brony Mate to load, it asks us some basic questions about ourselves.Knowing that everything on the internet needs to be 100% truthful all the time, we gave it straight facts. That we are a 7 foot tall, 70 pound, Korean man. Meanwhile on Brony Mate, one of the team who eventually did gain access, informed us that none of the profiles had hooves, and it was still slower than a glacier or lines at the DMV, so we abandoned that quest, and focused on Bronypassions.
The filter informed us that it verifies information automatically using some sort of witchcraft, and all of a sudden we're a white guy from Detroit. A few more questions and we're off and running.Filling in some more details we inform the site that I am a fit, overweight, athletic, body builder, and an alcoholic who doesn't drink. After that we gave up because sweet fucking christ the personal information survey scrolls almost endlessly. We did take note that "Cheeto-dust-orange" was not an available color option. It's like they almost didn't even try. This is only slightly remedied by the fact that "aint had no skoolin" (a phrase that somehow evaded the spell check upon typing), is in fact an option for education, and that "pole dancing" is in fact an option for hobbies.
Conspicuously absent from this mile-long survey are any questions to do with the one common thread its users supposedly share; ponies. "Killing Zombies" is an option; but the catch all verb "pone" isn't.After all that we finally get to see some profiles.
Holy shit I think we know some of these people.Holy shit we DO know some of these people.
Holy shit there are actually women on this site.
Holy shit some of them are actually really cute. Wait..what's the catch? There has to be a catch.
After searching many....many....many profiles we came to a few conclusion about Bronypassions; yes you can in fact find women there, and attractive men, and yes they all like My Little Pony. The problem comes in when they list their OTHER interests. Listens to country music? Fuckin dropped. Celibate? Dropped. Doesn't drink? Dropped. Favorite pony is Twist? Get the fuck out of here. But, if you're lucky, or you can look past such critical flaws as a potential mate listing PewDiePie as their favorite comedian, you may just get lucky. But also exercise caution, as things that seem too good to be true-such as finding a 7 foot tall, 70 pound Korean man on a dating site for pony fans-often are.But for some, the payoff is worth the weight.